Yippie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not only was my scan good…it was GREAT! There was ZERO uptake on the PET scan which means it is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY gone! Ahhhhhhh, God is so good…that’s all I know to say.
The last few days, last night, today just felt different this time. It felt lighter. I had noticed that in the last few months I found myself letting go a bit more here and there, that I wasn’t so hyper-vigilant about everything, that there was some “wiggle room” to be “normal”, to be human. I found that I gave myself latitude in areas that had been part of a strict routine, a routine that served me well. But, as with all things, as with life, there was change. What was different was that the fear was gone. The motivation was no longer “eye on the prize”, “head down, push forward”. I think I realized it on a very deep, subconscious level before I fully realized it myself…that it was over, that it was done. There was just this knowing this time that everything was fine, that the door to all of that was closed. And as I sat in the waiting room today listening to all of the patients at the Bone Marrow Group discuss the details of their disease, their latest lab stats, date of harvest, date of transplant, the last time they were in the hospital, I just knew I didn’t belong there. It felt as though I never did, and that felt good. The door had closed. And with the confirmation of our amazing news, a new door is officially open. In light of what I was diagnosed with, the stats, etc, to us this officially means a new day has dawned. We see this as the beginning of our brand new life. The moments after I got the news were more of a relief than I realized when the true magnitude of it set in. This is my life and there is no gray in this. Either it is or it isn’t. There’s no in between. Either it was going to be good news or it wasn’t.
I have to tell you something funny before I end this. My mom and I were walking through the hospital on the way down to my scan and after sitting in the Bone Marrow Unit, the admissions check in and and through the lobby of the hospital she said, “Geeze, you’re the only one in here without anything wrong with them!” and she was right! It struck me as so funny and so ironic. Anyway, my mom had wanted to see the movie “Invictus” that just came out so we went to see it yesterday afternoon. Invictus means invincible in latin and the name of the movie is based on a famous poem by William Ernest Henley that Nelson Mandela memorized while he was in jail and sustained him during his 27 year confinement. I think it speaks for itself and I will close with it.
Bless you all. Thank you for all of your prayers, texts, emails and calls. You really could never know how much they have and do mean to me and to us. I am humbled beyond words…which is rare for me.
We are off to celebrate. God is good and so is life. Love is everywhere if we look for it. I wish you all bushels of it.
Officially healed :),
Out of the night that covers me, Black as the pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.
-William Ernest HenleyTweet