Sorry this has taken so long. I promise I haven’t been holding out for a dramatic pause on purpose! We’ve gotten a bit pampered by getting my results super fast in the past and this time was no different but there was a small little “glitch” in the report that came back yesterday that I had to make sure was cleared up before I went running my mouth about how perfect it was. Well, I can now run my mouth about how perfect it was. It seems there was a tiny “new” spot on one of my lungs that looked pretty harmless but was noted on the scan none the less. A CT scan takes
5mm cuts and this itsy bitsy thing is only 2-3 mm, so it has probably always been there but just never showed up on any of the other 3,000 scans I’ve had. Either that or I swallowed a pencil eraser or bug and didn’t know it. Either way, I passed with flying colors! Nothing like keeping it interesting. So what did I do while I waited yesterday? Well, I treated myself to a yummy beet, kale, wheatgrass, ginger juice and a dozen roses to pre-celebrate, among other things, of course.
I was talking with former boss, dear friend and Atlanta surgeon, Marisa, yesterday as we were discussing my results and I said, “ I just know it’s fine. God already healed me.” To which she quickly and firmly responded, “Yes, yes He has.” Not trying to be preachy here. This isn’t about a “religious thing”, it’s bigger than that. It’s about a “miracle thing”! :)
When I got the call a little while ago on the “final final” and was relaying what the doctor had said about my results to Neil, we both started laughing because the doctor told his nurse “ You be sure to reassure Alyssa that I’m not worried about his one bit, but if it will make her feel better, we can rescan her in a couple months instead of waiting the full six.” Never ever along this journey have any of my doctors “reassured me” of anything. I’m much more accustomed to “Well, we just don’t know” or “It’s all we know to do but there are no guarantees. We’ll just have to hope for the best” or “It’s just so rare…” So I couldn’t help but laugh when the nurse told me this but I think it’s something I could get use to. Actually, when I was in their office for a routine follow up in April the same doctor saw me walking down the hall and said, “Alyssa, what are you doing here? You don’t look like you belong here.” I smiled and said, “Dr. Feuer, I’ve been trying to tell you that for three years.” And I’ve never been so happy not to belong anywhere in my entire life.
So it probably sounds convenient to say that I knew it was fine all along, but I really did know that all was well. Faith has been a big part of this journey and along the way I had to make the decision to let go of the fear. You can’t truly be alive or move forward if you don’t. It’s not that I have a crystal ball but I do know, now more than ever, when something feels true or not at a gut level and my healing feels truer than true, righter than right and gooder than gold.
The interesting thing about a cancer recovery —well one of the many interesting things—is that it’s not a one and done. Of course, as far as I’m concerned, the actual recovery is done, done but the circling back does not end there. You see, in any other type of healing—say from a terrible fall, a horrible car accident or some other catastrophic injury—once you’re healed, that’s it. You don’t have to consider the accident “coming back”. It just won’t happen. So with this, I decided to shift myself into that same category as well. I took anything other than “totally done” off the table. I refuse to live my life looking back, waiting for the other/another shoe to drop. I choose to look at the follow ups and scans as a circling back to center, as a reminder of what’s truly important and to live boldly in the reminder that none of us are promised tomorrow. All we have is today. Now you see why I’m traveling my pants off??! You ride the roller coaster we’ve been on the last three years a time or two and you would too! :) So here’s to living big and bold!
Oh, and in case you were wondering, the “Mochaccino Smoothie” contrast I had to drink Sunday night was actually pretty good! Like a latte with a chalky aftertaste. Looks like optimism wins out once again! But unfortunately the “Berry Smoothie” one they made me drink that morning was another story all together! Oh well.
Anyway, thanks to all for your support, prayers and kind words of encouragement. I love hearing from you and have enjoyed being able to give up-to-the-minute-updates on my Fan Page. You guys are awesome!
Time to celebrate! :)
PS. If there are any typos, just ignore them. I wanted to get this out ASAP ’cause people were asking! I do my best, but sometimes those little buggers escape deletion.Tweet