Wow! What an amazing day. Actually it’s been an amazing last few weeks. First and foremost, my scan was…AWESOME!! I hadn’t even left the building after having my scan when I got a call from Marisa (For those of you who have joined this more recently, she is my dear friend, the surgeon I worked with prior to all of this, was instrumental in saving my life when I was diagnosed, and has a permanent place in my book as a pretty amazing chick) saying that she had just spoken to the radiologist and that everything looked wonderful! I was so shocked to hear the news so quickly that it took a minute to register. I’ve mentioned how blessed I am to get the results of these scans so quickly but this was record timing. My scan this time was a CT scan of basically the whole trunk (neck to thigh) versus a PET scan that has the radioactive dye study in addition to the CT part. The doctors threw me a bone this time and agreed to just do the CT scan as it has much less radiation than the PET (each PET scan equals about 300+ chest x-rays and I have had… ummmm…several). Anyway, my mom went with me this morning and looked up in surprise when I walked back out so quickly because the PET scan usually takes several hours by the time all is said and done. There is this whole build up where you can’t exercise 24 hrs ahead of time, no caffeine 12 hrs ahead, they inject you with the radioactive glucose and then you have to sit for an hour, then they scan you, they compare the results…blah, blah, blah. For this one I just guzzled a bottle of yummy “Banana Smoothie” (yeah right) Barium Sulfate last night and again this am and got an injection of contrast dye, slid through the machine a couple of times and was on my way with a call 30 minutes later saying everything looked great and went off to lunch…that is what I am talking about! Refreshing, to say the least!
The best part of all of this is that in the last few weeks there has been this overwhelming feeling in me that all of this it is done, that it is complete. It’s hard to explain but I just know that it is over. There has been a subtle but huge shift recently and I can feel it on a very deep level. It’s as if God has been showing me, telling me, in every aspect that it is done. I have felt the final pieces of the old me and of the last year just fall away and I find myself completely transformed with a very peaceful, detached view that wasn’t there before. What I’ve realized is that prior to all of this I would have considered myself an aware person but was so caught up in the “doing” and race of life that it was just an interesting way to look at life sometimes and something to figure out later. Then there was huge thing that happened and in it an awakening occurred that left me feeling so acutely conscious that I didn’t know how to exist in the world in this new way and I retreated a bit. So the pendulum swung from one side to the other but now has landed somewhere in the middle. There has been a merging of the two where I am “in it” (“it” being life) and “outside of it” at the same time. I see and understand so much more now and feel a peace and openness I had not felt before. Through this process I have come to know God, the power that lies within and how both work to truly live. It is both far grander and simpler than anything I was ever taught and has been the true healing in all of this. I get it now, really get it, deep down inside where real truth lives. So when I look back over this journey knowing that, I don’t feel anything but gratitude. It leaves no room for why or how? All I can think of is “Thank you for choosing me.”
I know I have said it before, but you could never know how much your prayers, love and support mean to us. My heart overflows with love and gratitude.